Planning for Divorce?
One of my favorite comics once remarked that she judges her dates by asking herself, “Is this the man with whom I want my children to spend every other weekend?” A good laugh-line, yes, but sadly somewhat indicative of American life in the 20th and now 21st century.
Statisticians tell us that 50% of American marriages end in divorce. Sad to contemplate, this statistic also illustrates a very important principle: Americans should plan for divorce.
You are aghast at the thought? When, you ask, do I begin this preparation? Do I discuss it with the wedding planner? We already pre-plan our divorces with respect to property and debt, by way of pre-nuptial agreements that provide for the disposition of previously acquired property or the accumulation of value on such property. We plan for the disposition of our wealth and our minor children in the event of our deaths. Why is it less desirable to plan for the parenting of our children in the event of divorce?
In the state of Missouri, a parenting plan is not legally binding until approved by the court. I’m not advocating that this law be changed — calmer heads should prevail and often, the judge is the only calm person in a courtroom while a divorce is being tried. But while we are still in love, while the bloom of our affection is still rosy and fragrant, what better time to sit and reflect on how we would like to manage our children’s times in the event that our love should wane? The resultant document would only be persuasive evidence, subject to equally persuasive, credible evidence of later events changing the reasonableness of the parenting arrangements contained within the pre-divorce planning document created by the parents before the family began to disintegrate.
But absent those serious and egregious hallmarks of a failed parent that I often warn you to consider — alcohol and drug abuse, violence, gambling — wouldn’t a document created from the posture of mutual respect tell the court what we often surmise but cannot prove: That once upon a time, these now snarling partners actually loved each other and viewed each other as viable candidates for co-parenting?
Many, if not all, of my blog entries focus on parenting. This is because most of my work is in contested custody situations. The division of property and debt holds little interest for me as an academic consideration — what is important is how we parent our children. Society lives and dies by this one consideration. And so, what better focus than the parenting of our children in the event that we no longer function inside of a marital or co-habitative relationship? Look at your partner and consider: – At this date, now, as I view you, would you be the better principal residential custodian? Would I? How would we divide the children’s time? Which of us is better equipped to provide health insurance — or is our financial position equal? What collateral relatives should we consider in the equation? Do our children spend each summer with Grandma, and should we make note of this tradition in our pre-divorce planning, so that neither of us can later deny our sons and daughters this adventure?
I would prefer that every marriage met with success. But since they don’t, I’d like you to consider asking yourself what parenting arrangements you would make with your partner — while you still view your partner with favor. Even if you don’t create a draft parenting plan with your partner; even if you just write your thoughts in your journal; undertake this query, and then, should the undesirable happen, take out that draft. Remind yourself that in better times, you considered this man, this woman, a viable candidate for meaningful co-parenting — and seriously consider whether your differing opinion now is valid, or merely the product of your own unhappiness and disappointment.