Divorce 101: When is Abuse Not Abuse?
You will notice that most of my advice contains the caveat that it might not apply if there is abuse, alcohol or drug abuse, gambling, or problems of that nature.
The question often arises: What is abuse?
I have been known to argue that keeping a child from a caring parent can be abuse. That is not to say that I buy into the long-debunked “parental alienation syndrome”. I do not. However, it is true that emotional damage can be caused by the act of one parent standing in the way of a normal relationship with the other parent under circumstances where there is no reason to do so. Even if “there is reason to do so” — i.e., the other parent has some issues of their own which prevent their serving an active parental role — the parent with residential placement needs to take steps to assist the child in reconciling the absence of the dysfunctional parent.
These steps should include professional assistance, at least at first and ongoing if recommended. The residential parent should also take a very low-key attitude toward the other parent, using neutral language. Unacceptable: “Your mommy is bad.” Probably okay: “Your mommy is sick.” Better: “Your mommy loves you and will see you just as soon as she can.” Take your cues from the child’s therapist.
In non-dysfunctional situations, where each parent is capable of serving the parental role, allegations of abuse arise just as often as they do in what I would categorize as “genuine abuse” situations. These allegations involve one parent making choices the other parent does not condone. These allegations can range from allowing the child to stay up late or engage in activities that the other parent thinks are harmful, to allowing the child to ride a dirt bike or a three-wheel off-road vehicle. While it is good to attempt to be on the same page on major issues, two married parents are not always on the same page; it is likely that two non-married parents will often have divergent ideas about child-rearing.
I hear many such allegations of abuse that, in my opinion, are not actually abuse. I have heard parents condemn the other parent for allowing the child to use real terminology for body parts and for allowing the child to call a new boyfriend Uncle or a new girlfriend Auntie. I don’t consider these parental decisions to be emotional abuse. They are personal decisions that each parent should be free to make in their own home. They do not inherently threaten the child’s physical or emotional well-being.
Parents who spend a lot of time examining the child for bruises or marks where none have been or are found; parents who grill a child about what the other parent did during the child’s time with them; parents who ‘warn’ teachers or doctors about the other parent; these are parents who are often the same folks who make allegations of abuse where none have occurred and cause trauma to the child. That is not to say that a careful parent should not be alert for signs of abuse, but searching for evidence that abuse has occurred while the child is with your former spouse is often an unhealthy undertaking.
It is not necessarily true that parenting decisions not in line with your own are suspect. Be careful about suggesting to the child, directly or indirectly, that you do not trust the other parent to properly care for them. Educate yourself about parenting decisions that you might find objectionable but which are not patently abusive. Above all, keep your child out of the middle. If you suspect abuse, do not discuss it with or in front of your child. Don’t debate it with your sister, brother, new wife or mother while the child is playing in the next room.
Go to the child’s doctor or some other trusted professional, and discuss with that person what it is you think could be abusive. Be careful: False accusations can haunt YOU, because you can become known for making them, and, like the boy who cried wolf, might well be disbelieved at a time when it is necessary for you to be credible. Above all, be very careful that you are not making accusations from a place of vengeance, because doing so will ultimately hurt your child more than your child’s other parent, and your child does not deserve such pain.