Parenting 101
It is true that children do not come with manuals. It is also true that few people take lessons in parenting, although most states require divorcing parents to take short classes on parenting outside of marriage — “FOCIS” classes that are supposed to help parents learn to focus their attention on the needs of the child. Notwithstanding such classes, most parents struggle to properly parent their children after they become single parents through divorce or the break-up of the non-marital co-parenting relationship.
I am certainly not a perfect parent. But I have the benefit not only of my own mistakes, but of the mistakes that I have seen my clients make. I’ve got a few thoughts about how divorcing parents can turn that lens to sharpen their focus, and prioritize in a way that will help them both in the courtroom, where the judge has to assess who should be the residential custodian, and beyond, when the true test occurs: parenting without a partner and without the watchful eye of a judge or guardian ad litem.
Rule Number One: It’s all about the kids.
No, that does NOT mean give the kids everything they want. Nor does it mean that they get to call the shots, or that you should abandon your own needs, wants or desires. What it means is something more basic. It means parenting is about the KIDS, and the goal is to turn the kids into functional adults capable of meeting their own needs, recognizing their talents, identifying and correcting their mistakes, and, in general, sleeping peacefully each night secure in the knowledge that they are lovable and capable intelligent beings who make a respectable contribution to society. Parenting is not about proving you are wonderful, or creating a legacy — although both things will flow from good parenting.
Rule Number Two: It is NOT about the kids’ other parent.
And no, this does not mean that the other parent and that other parent’s role in your children’s life are not important. What it does mean is that your parenting decisions should not be made from the viewpoint of “out-parenting” your ex-spouse/partner. Put aside that competitive drive. Don’t seek revenge. Let the other parent concern themselves with their own performance. You focus your energy on being the best parent you can be, and only worry about the other parent when you see such obvious signs as large unexplained bruises on your child when they come from the other parent’s home. By and large, Rule Number Two also means not paying too much attention to most protestations from the child about not wanting to go to the other parent’s home. For the most part, such protests mean that the child thinks it’s his/her job to convince you that he/she loves you best. They do not usually mean that the child is being abused or neglected in the other parent’s home.
Following these rules should help you in your quest to be a good parent. This is Parenting 101; there are many more lessons to learn, but everyone has to start somewhere.