Missouri Family Law Blog

Inspiration comes from strange places. As I read a novel recently, by one of my favorite authors, Ruth Rendell, I reflected on a passage in which the main character, the unparalleled Inspector Wexford, notices that his sergeant has made an unusually insightful comment. Musing over the sergeant’s recently accelerated virtues, following his remarriage after widowhood, Wexford notes that happiness does not “just make you more happy”, it makes you smarter, better, more adept at your job.

Hence, my inspiration. Happiness makes us better parents, too. How could it not? Once the strain of your failed marriage is lifted from your backs, and you let go of your resentment, suddenly, you can be better at that which is left to do. Of course, if your unhappiness is not really caused by your quarrels with your spouse, his/her absence will not be enough to make you happier and thus better at parenting the kids. Additionally, you have to let go of your anger and resentment — these won’t automatically disappear when your spouse moves out. In general, however, the old saw “staying together for the children” leads to unhappy parents, which leads to poor parents.

If you can’t repair your marriage, move on: Your kids will thank you for it, in the final analysis.

There are two kinds of clients in divorce work, for the most part.

The first type walks into your office and asks, “How much time can I get with my kids; and can we make this as painless as possible for everyone?”

The second type barges into your quiet work day and demands, “I want to get as much money as possible, and I want to make my spouse suffer.”

Ask yourself: Which type of “love’s aftermath” client are you? Which type of “love’s aftermath” client would you rather represent?

After 25 years of listening to the two types of clients talk to me about potential representation, I know which person appeals to me. I want to spend my days advocating for the person — man or woman, it makes no difference — who thinks first of the children, and then of easing the transition for everyone in the family. Of course, this comes with the usual disclaimers: I understand that where there is abuse, drug use, alcohol abuse — it is human to be angry and bitter towards the one who has been the cause of so much turmoil.

But short of that, think before you articulate your goals to your divorce attorney. Is it revenge you want? Relief from your disappointment? An outlet for your anger? Maybe you should go chop some wood. If you want a fair and equitable resolution, that protects your children from the grief of being torn between two parents whom they love, give me a call.

While I can, and do, represent genuine victims of abuse, and do so aggressively, I do not want — and no self-respecting lawyer should want — to represent someone whose goal is to be nasty for the mere sake of nastiness. I promise you, that attitude will be your undoing, in court, with your children, and in your future relationships.

Okay, usual disclaimers: If there is abuse or neglect, drug use, alcohol abuse or other very extreme situation, my comments don’t necessarily apply to your situation.

Otherwise: Papa and Mama, when you are going through a divorce, do not, repeat, do not, fight in front of your children. Get the heck out. Go to your corners. Find a time-out chair. Go for a walk. Divorce is hard on everyone, but hardest on the children. They don’t need the instability of hearing you argue.

Second piece of advice: Keep the children out of the middle of the custody dispute and any other squabbles. Don’t co-opt them! Now, that said, your lawyer might want to have the judge interview them or, with older children and rarely, have them testify. That is one issue, and you and your lawyer should carefully discuss those two potential tactics. But that is not the same as the parents involving the child in the litigation. Such an approach will always hurt the child, and might well damage the child’s relationship with each parent, including the one who talks to the child about the litigation.

Do you love your kids? Then be Solomon the Wise — don’t let the baby get split in half!