Year End Conflict in Family Law
Someone asked me if the holidays bring more family law litigation — more divorces, more adult abuse cases, and so forth. Usually, January will be a busy month. The stress of the holidays causes failing marriages to crack, stressful relationships to be stretched thin, and money troubles, with over-spending, to come to a boil.
These controversies do not go away post-divorce, or just because there is a judgment. I know of one family in which a custody change and the resultant lowering of child support for the parent relinquishing custody of one of the three children prompted that parent to tell the children left in her home that their Christmas would be ruined “because your Dad stopped sending me all my money”. It doesn’t matter as much that she incorrectly portrayed the father’s actions, as that she discussed this with her children at all and tied the decrease in Christmas presents (if it occurs) to their father and pushed them towards feeling resentful.
All of us need to moderate our spending at Christmas, but none more so than the divorcing or separating couple. They are suddenly supporting two households on the income that previously supported one, and adjustments need to be made. They are no longer allied, so each might tend to try to downplay the burden on the other parent and emphasize the burden on them. These year-end conflicts can increase the emotional stress on everyone. Parents have an obligation to try to lessen the impact of this stress on the children, but often this duty is forgotten in the bitter resentment that is felt toward the other parent.
I often urge my clients to keep these things at the forefront of their thinking, and hopefully it is sometimes helpful. Tis the season to show our loved ones that we appreciate them. Even non-religious people can take the ending of the old year and the beginning of the new year as a convenient time to remind the ones who are important in their lives that the relationship is special and important. Presents are a physical manifestation of this. But there are non-tangible ways to show your appreciation. For the divorcing or separating parent, the other parent can be shown appreciation by respecting their role in the children’s lives, and the children can be honored by allowing them to have a decent relationship with their other parent even if your relationship with the other parent has now failed.
What greater and more selfless gift can you give, than peace?