Recently, a client called to say that when the client’s spouse got served with papers I had filed for the client, the spouse turned violent and the client was injured. This is one of the scariest things for a party: Wondering what will happen when the other person finds out about the lawsuit.
I cannot over-emphasize how horrible I feel knowing that this happened to my client. At the same time, I cannot avoid thinking — “How does this happen?” How does someone who professes to love you — or did at one time — turn his or her hands against you?
These are the moments when I wonder if I am the right person for this job. These are the moments when I wonder how I could have prevented the violence. The answer is that I could not have, of course; a violent person will choose violence as a recourse. But my client is suffering, and my client’s children will suffer, and I stand by, helpless, and worried.
The family is supposed to be a safe-haven. When that safe-haven is violated, the fabric of our society is torn, and even mended, will never be the same.
I have the sad duty of finishing a trial this week that involves a father who has not seen his child, except in court, for two years. There is a plethora of evidence about how this situation developed, some of it objective. Though Dad blames Mom, there are a lot of professional opinions already in evidence to suggest that just isn’t so.
Whatever the cause, it is a sad state of affairs. While it is true that estrangement between child and parent can occur outside of divorce, the divorce situation lends itself to breakdowns of the parent/child relationship because one parent is in another household and can’t observe and head-off small problems that can grow into big ones, or big problems that can become insurmountable.
What do we do about this situation? I am not sure, on a global basis; and as an attorney, part of this situation is simply beyond my expertise. We bring in mental health counselors, religious or spiritual advisors, and others to assist in any given situation. In the final analysis, my job is to advocate for my client, whomever I represent. I often represent the father; but sometimes the mother; and I also do guardian ad litem work representing the child. So, I have seen this problem from all sides. There are no easy answers.
Divorce can be easy, it can be hard. The degree of difficulty of co-parenting outside of a “together” relationship depends on many circumstances. Most of these circumstances are controlled by the adults; children have very little power. We all know that what children want is to be loved. As lawyers, as judges, as parents, as adults — we must keep their helplessness and the simple desires that they have at the forefront of our decision-making.