Missouri Family Law Blog

He sat like so many other potential clients, bright eyes, anxiety clear by the set of his mouth, hands tight on the arms of his chair. He wanted to retain my services to help him get parenting rights to his child. He looked to me with something so close to hope that it might as well have been.

I took his case, as I often do, because I believe in the virtue of fatherhood. He has as good a chance of being a good father as anyone — better than some, worse than others. With some schooling, he can be a great father.

What does that mean, in the context of family law? It means — fathers are not babysitters; don’t insist that your parenting time revolve around your days off of work. The mother’s time will not necessarily do so. My time with my son is 24/7/365, work or not, sick or not, well or not, happy or not. It means — get to know your child’s school. Meet the teachers, meet with the principal, follow the grades, help with homework. Don’t depend on Mom to send you information, and don’t shrug your shoulders and abdicate your responsibilities when she doesn’t. You don’t send HER information; yet she figures out how to get it.

Being a father also means forgiving the mother for not being the woman you thought she would be. Accept that this child is more important than your failed relationship with the mother; and move into your role as father by structuring your life in a way that allows for your role as parent. Again, the mother has to do this too — it is a duty you both assumed when you became parents.

Which point brings me to another matter: Yes, I know, you did not necessarily volunteer for this duty. Maybe she told you she was using birth control pills; maybe she told you that she couldn’t conceive. Maybe she didn’t tell you she was pregnant. Okay, let’s have a few minutes of violin music for the reluctant father, and then accept the fact that whatever the circumstances, you are now a father. Think about this: Maybe she WAS on the pill; maybe she didn’t think she could get pregnant; maybe she meant to have an abortion and then just could not go through with it. In short, maybe she is as stunned as you are. Maybe she didn’t want to be a mother; but now you are both parents.

I assume that any man sitting in my office is there because he IS a father and has accepted that. One wouldn’t hire a Father’s Rights promoter if one was NOT interested in being a father. Those people slink away; hire some lawyer that promises to minimize their child support; or vanish into the fabric of society without a forwarding address.

The guys that want to Do the Dad Thing make my day. And to them, and to any of you out there who are on the fence, I say, the Dad thing is like the Mom thing, only with a different point of view. You can do everything that a Mom can do except breast-feed, you know; you can wipe noses, and kiss boo-boos, and clap for tender performances at painfully cute recitals. You can do it; and your doing the dad thing will give that child something that no one else can provide — fatherly love. So get out there and do it — both you and your child will be glad you did.

Recently I got an e-mail from another attorney that even my mild-mannered legal assistant found questionable in tone. The attorney seemed abrupt, even hasty; and the tone and content suggested that this attorney, whom I have never met, had an ax to grind with either me or my client. As the attorney in question is someone who has a fair degree of influence on the progress of the case — that is, the guardian ad litem — my worry was that the attorney’s attitude would translate to antipathy towards my client.

So now, I have shown the e-mail to several people, with identifying remarks or names deleted, of course, in order to ask their opinion. Each one has done the e-mail or verbal equivalent of raising an eyebrow, and one remarked that a motion to disqualify was in order.

And if I did that, and did not prevail, would the situation be worse or better because of my motion?

Which leads me to a sad fact of life: Litigation is fraught with politics, just like anything else. Don’t dance around it: look at it squarely and ask yourself if what you are about to do will trigger an avalanche of political backlash. If you grouch about an ex-spouse who is fifteen minutes late, will the judge think you are petty? If you don’t go to the parent teacher conference, will the GAL question your commitment? if your lawyer sends a sharp Golden Rule letter, will the chances for settlement be impaired?

Life itself has similar perils; I wish I could say that family lawyers and judges rise above them. Few do, though, so pay attention to how you are conducting yourself as much as what you are doing, to be sure that those peering in the fishbowl of your life see only things that support your view of how the case should be resolved.