Missouri Family Law Blog

It has been a long four months at the Corley Law Firm. We tried eight or nine cases in two months, which each required weeks upon weeks of preparation. We are exhausted.

I like what I do; but there comes a time in every divorce lawyer’s life when they ask themselves, Why do I do this? It’s a tremendous opportunity in many ways. We can help people create futures for themselves. When we “win” (a word which used here means ‘get everything our clients want’), we feel as though we can never be as high. When we “lose” (a word which used here means ‘get nothing our clients want’), we feel as though we are, indeed, the scum of the earth.

A man sat in my office today and listened to me try to justify a court’s decision. This is a man who has custody of his 17-year-old, whose wife left him and his daughter and seems to feel she is entitled to a lot more than he is even able to give. The judge did what I can only describe as reaching a compromise — which is classically defined as “the choice no one wants”. I tried to explain how the court thought it was being fair, giving him less than he thought he should get and making him pay her less than she thought he should have to pay. He looked tired, though; and I felt a bit less than successful, even though on several major points, we had actually prevailed.

Another man warmly clasped my hand last week and thanked me for all I had done for him. I had managed to convince his wife and her lawyer that she should return to Kansas City. It is possible that not everything will go his way from here on out, but the children are back in the metro area, and he will be a half-time dad instead of a 1/8-time dad. That’s a victory, in my book.

I tried a case several weeks ago in which a 21-year-old man fought to keep his parental rights. The child’s mother had lost custody to the state because someone in her home had burned the child. My client, a mere 18 years of age at the time to the mother’s 17, had never been given a chance to have the child and desperately wanted to do so. No ruling in that case, yet. I am hopeful.

A month or more ago, I got custody restored for the mother of a seven-year-old after the father abruptly moved the child to the Lake. The mother, who has a drug-abuse history, fought to prove that she had been clean for two years and should be allowed to have custody of her child. The father bad-mouthed and slammed with no real evidence. The court saw through his blustering accusations, and gave the child to the mother full-time. But the real victory was the light in her eyes when she sat on the witness stand and acknowledged her old ways, and firmly testified that she had overcome her problems, with the love of her family and the grace of God.

I’m not sure what my record is now, unless I get credit for effort. I like what I do. I like helping people. Breaking up is hard to do, and I enjoy any chance I have to make it even just a bit easier for my clients.

Corinne Corley

One of my favorite comics once remarked that she judges her dates by asking herself, “Is this the man with whom I want my children to spend every other weekend?” A good laugh-line, yes, but sadly somewhat indicative of American life in the 20th and now 21st century.

Statisticians tell us that 50% of American marriages end in divorce. Sad to contemplate, this statistic also illustrates a very important principle: Americans should plan for divorce.

You are aghast at the thought? When, you ask, do I begin this preparation? Do I discuss it with the wedding planner? We already pre-plan our divorces with respect to property and debt, by way of pre-nuptial agreements that provide for the disposition of previously acquired property or the accumulation of value on such property. We plan for the disposition of our wealth and our minor children in the event of our deaths. Why is it less desirable to plan for the parenting of our children in the event of divorce?

In the state of Missouri, a parenting plan is not legally binding until approved by the court. I’m not advocating that this law be changed — calmer heads should prevail and often, the judge is the only calm person in a courtroom while a divorce is being tried. But while we are still in love, while the bloom of our affection is still rosy and fragrant, what better time to sit and reflect on how we would like to manage our children’s times in the event that our love should wane? The resultant document would only be persuasive evidence, subject to equally persuasive, credible evidence of later events changing the reasonableness of the parenting arrangements contained within the pre-divorce planning document created by the parents before the family began to disintegrate.

But absent those serious and egregious hallmarks of a failed parent that I often warn you to consider — alcohol and drug abuse, violence, gambling — wouldn’t a document created from the posture of mutual respect tell the court what we often surmise but cannot prove: That once upon a time, these now snarling partners actually loved each other and viewed each other as viable candidates for co-parenting?

Many, if not all, of my blog entries focus on parenting. This is because most of my work is in contested custody situations. The division of property and debt holds little interest for me as an academic consideration — what is important is how we parent our children. Society lives and dies by this one consideration. And so, what better focus than the parenting of our children in the event that we no longer function inside of a marital or co-habitative relationship? Look at your partner and consider: – At this date, now, as I view you, would you be the better principal residential custodian? Would I? How would we divide the children’s time? Which of us is better equipped to provide health insurance — or is our financial position equal? What collateral relatives should we consider in the equation? Do our children spend each summer with Grandma, and should we make note of this tradition in our pre-divorce planning, so that neither of us can later deny our sons and daughters this adventure?

I would prefer that every marriage met with success. But since they don’t, I’d like you to consider asking yourself what parenting arrangements you would make with your partner — while you still view your partner with favor. Even if you don’t create a draft parenting plan with your partner; even if you just write your thoughts in your journal; undertake this query, and then, should the undesirable happen, take out that draft. Remind yourself that in better times, you considered this man, this woman, a viable candidate for meaningful co-parenting — and seriously consider whether your differing opinion now is valid, or merely the product of your own unhappiness and disappointment.

Another holiday season has come and gone. I have to admit that I made all arrangements for all holiday time that I could arrange for all my clients, and then — closed my office for two weeks! This was a first for me; although my capable assistant did go to the office one or two days during that time period just to forestall major disaster.

There was the usual panoply of complaint. Presumptive or actual principal-custodial parents hogging holiday happiness; disgruntled presumptive or actual non-principal-residential parents wanting more time, different time, better time. It amazes me that people who claimed to love one another enough to produce offspring can’t be cordial enough with each other to figure out how to make sure their children have wonderful holidays no matter where they are.

Listen, folks, in case you don’t get it yet: CHILDREN ARE NOT FOOTBALLS. They are not intended to be passed back and forth, held tightly in a tackle, or kicked over a goal post just so you can say you beat the other team. I cannot stress this enough. CHILDREN ARE PEOPLE. More than that, they are immature people, with limited understanding of the of the grown-up world, who just want to see their parents, uncles, aunts, grandparents and cousins. They don’t really care where this happens. If they had their way, they would sit in one place surrounded by everyone who rocks their world, grinning and grinning.

Holidays are SUPPOSED TO BE FUN. Don’t spoil it by insisting that you get 8.25 days and “he” or “she” (the other parent) only gets 6.75 days. Be mature. Be the adult. Heck, maybe one day your kids will make great parents, because YOU set a good example!!!

Happy New Year!

Corinne Corley

On my forum, at www.divorcenet.com, the Missouri Community Forum, a recent discussion centered on being involved in your child’s life after divorce. This prompts today’s blog entry.

In crafting your parenting plan, be sure to include these provisions:

1. Each parent may contact the child while the child is in the other parent’s home. This should include phone and e-mail contact where possible. If either parent fears the other parent will claim harassment, the provision should recite the minimum frequency and duration of telephone contact. Hence, the provision could say, “Each parent may contact the child by telephone while the child is in the other parent’s home. Such contact may, at a minimum, and at the contacting parent’s discretion, be one call per each day on which the child spends an overnight in the other parent’s home, between the hours of 9:00 a.m. and 8:00 p.m., and may last, at a minimum, 15 minutes per call. If the contacting parent reaches voice mail or answering machine, the parent at whose home a message is left shall facilitate a return call within the same day as the message is left.”

2. Each parent shall have the right to attend all doctors, dentists, eye examiner, mental health, and other health care appointments. Each parent shall provide advance notice to the other parent of at least seven days of any scheduled appointment so that the other parent may attend. Each parent shall provide immediate telephone notice of emergency appointments or appointments to address illnesses, not susceptible of advance notice.

3. Either parent may attend school functions, or functions for an extra-curricular activity at which family members are welcome. The parent receiving notice of such functions or schedules for such functions shall provide the other parent with copies of such notices or schedules as soon as practicable after receipt of them. However, if the school or extra-curricular activity allows for each parent to make arrangements for direct receipt of such notices or schedules, then each parent shall make individual arrangements to directly receive such notices of schedules. If either parent experiences difficulties or delays in the direct receipt of such notices or schedules after making arrangements for such receipt, the parents shall work together to insure that such difficulties or delays are resolved. The goal is to insure that both parents are fully informed of the events in the child’s life so as to foster the parent/child relationship between the child and each parent.

4. The parents acknowledge that this parenting plan provides that the child principally resides in one of their households. The public policy of the state of Missouri is to promote frequent, continuing and meaningful contact between the child and each parent; and to encourage each parent to foster the parent/child relationship between the child and each parent. Neither parent’s household shall be referred to as a home that the child “visits”, to or in front of the child. Each parent’s household shall be referenced as the child’s home to or in front of the child. Each parent shall encourage the child to think of each parent’s home as a “home” of the child, rather than one parent’s home as the child’s “home” and the other parent’s home as somewhere the child “visits”. Time that the child spends with each parent is “parenting time”, and the word “visitation” or “visits” or any derivation of those words, discourages the child from thinking of the other parent and time spent with the parent as being a critical and important part of the child’s life, so the use of “visits” or “visitation” shall be discouraged. The child shall be encouraged to think of time with his/her parents as “my time with Mom” or “my time with Dad”.

Before, after and during divorce or the break-up of your household with your child’s other parent, be sure that you:

* Attend all doctor’s appointments.
* Meet and familiarize yourself with your child’s teachers or daycare providers.
* Find out the names of your child’s preferred playmates, the playmates’ parents, and the playmates addresses and telephone numbers.
* Arrange for the child to have play-time with those playmates while on your time or at your home, to encourage continuity in the child’s life.
* Visit the child’s school.
* Email the child’s teachers and/or principals on a regular basis.
* Schedule your social calendar so that your time spent with your child is maximized and quality. Do not leave the child with a babysitter any more often than absolutely necessary at the initial stages of the breakup. This is important for two reasons: First, the child needs to know you are still his/her parent and are not surrendering or abandoning your role. Second, the other parent needs to get the same message.
* Send your child birthday cards and celebrate birthday, Christmas, and other holidays in a regular and routine way. This establishes your household as a place where the child will still have routines for holidays with which the child can feel comfortable and about which the child can be excited.
* Involve your extended family in the child’s life.
* Honor the child’s other parent and treat the child’s other parent with respect.
* If the relationship between you and the child’s other parent is poor, get the two of you into counseling. Ask for it at the litigation phase. Insist on it if you must. Use it.
* Let go of your hostility toward the other parent.
* If you are the principal residence of the child, foster a situation in which both parents can be active in the child’s life. Your child will be a better person if you do.

If your lawyer will not work towards a parenting plan that honors you as a parent, get a new lawyer.

Good luck!!!! Remember: Children need PARENTS, not VISITORS.

It could have been ugly.

We were all poised for trial. His father, his wife, her father and neighbor, milling in the hall with the teenage daughters. Her lawyer and me, the judge and the clerk. A bunch of exhibits, a sheaf of just-filed motions. A microphone, a table, a scattering of chairs.

But an hour later, after the girls talked to the judge, we were putting an agreement on the record. A change of custody, a relocation out of state, a temporary order. No trial, not yet at least.

Reasonable minds will differ as to whether the parties reached an agreement because they both believed that it was in the girls’ best interest to move with their Dad, or because the mother just “gave up” or thought the cards were stacked against her. I prefer to take the high road and be thankful that one mother acknowledged that her children should have a chance to live with their father, and one judge decided to let the kids give it the try they requested, and one opposing counsel took the high road instead of holding out for a run at the finish line.

Chalk this up in the “W” column for a father wanting a chance to parent his children full-time, and wish them all well. The times they are a-changin’, and just once in a while, Dad gets a chance to prove he can do as well as Mom.

Today, I got a visitation order for a Dad that had not seen his child for several years. The circumstances are not as important as the fact that a father who longs only to be an active father to this child as he is to his other children, will finally begin to have that ability and right allowed to him.

As an attorney, I feel very good about this. The mother fought for two years and has many claims about the father — some true, some partially true, and some not true — but ultimately, the judge told us that the claims did not amount to anything that would likely result in restricted access. I am very happy — and proud, and hopeful.

Fathers need to stand up for their rights, and continue the fight. Children deserve the love of BOTH their parents, and if their parents are ready, willing and able to give that love, then they should be allowed to do so.

I’ve gotten a lot of calls lately from fathers who want to know if judges will “give them full custody”. After I explain that “full custody” is not a term used under Missouri law, I go through the types of custody — joint legal, joint physical, sole legal, sole physical, and the variations that result from combining those concepts — joint legal and joint physical, sole legal and joint physical, joint legal and sole physical, and sole legal and sole physical.

If they aren’t confused after that recitation, I give them my standard mantra: In SOME cases, a father will be able to prove that he should be the “principal residential” parent, just as in SOME cases, a mother will be able to prove that she should be the “principal residential” parent. What the fathers REALLY want to know is “Do judges AUTOMATICALLY ASSUME that the child should “live” with the mother?”And the answer to that question is: I don’t know, but probably many of them do.

That’s a hard fact to push into someone’s consciousness, but no one should be surprised. Judges are humans. For centuries, women have been the “main” parent, and even today, you will hear people refer to “working mothers” but never “working fathers”. It is hard to change people’s perceptions of role models, even if the statute says that gender should not be a determinant of custodial placement.

To fight this gender bias, one has to examine what gave rise to the bias in the first place. My son often tells me that stereotypes have a basis in truth. This stereotype is no different. Mothers have traditionally been the PTA member, the room mother, the fixer-of-dinner, the wiper-of-noses, the kisser-of-skinned-knees. In this era, mothers are often expected to do all those things whether or not they “work outside the home”, and believe it or not, people still look askance at mothers if their children “get into trouble” while Mom is at work, raising an eyebrow which silently suggests that if “Mom had been home”, the trouble would not have occurred.

Such biases do not follow fathers. Because the “traditional” role of fathers has been to go to work and only be home in the evenings and on weekends, we do not harshly judge a father if the child gets into trouble in the same way that we harshly judge the child’s mother. Whether that judgment is spoken or unspoken, it is there: If Mother had not been (fill in the blank) instead of being at home, the child would not have gotten into trouble.

The downside of this stereotype for FATHERS is an ingrained belief that the father does not, and cannot, do those things that the mother typically has done. And, following from that, that the father does not, and cannot, serve as the principal home-base parent for the child.

Mothers have been striving to break the stereotype as to them for years. Fathers should take their cue from mothers. Mothers strive to break the stereotype by proving they can do all the things they are presumed to do AND earn a salary too. Now, I am NOT in favor of putting that type of pressure on women, but, at the same time, in a splintered family, that pressure will exist — the principal residential parent will have to do the stereotypical duties of EACH parent: Fix dinner and earn the money to buy it, too.

Fathers, then, who want to be the principal parent, should make a list of everything the mother has done and add those duties to their plate along with earning a living. The ideal situation for a separating or divorcing set of parents would be for them to make a list of all of those duties and figure out how they can assist each other in getting those duties done. You take Johnny to soccer on Tuesdays; I’ll take Mary to volleyball on Thursdays. I encourage my clients to work out such a schedule with the other parent of their child or children. But a father who wants to be the principal residential parent should be assertive in filling these roles. Figure out what Mom has been doing, and start doing those things.

And, finally, the best approach would be to start doing them BEFORE your lawsuit is filed — that is, not BECAUSE there is a custody fight occurring, but because it is the right way to parent. Kids need the involvement of BOTH their parents, and you will PROVE you are a better parent more easily if you are one.

I have the sad duty of finishing a trial this week that involves a father who has not seen his child, except in court, for two years. There is a plethora of evidence about how this situation developed, some of it objective. Though Dad blames Mom, there are a lot of professional opinions already in evidence to suggest that just isn’t so.

Whatever the cause, it is a sad state of affairs. While it is true that estrangement between child and parent can occur outside of divorce, the divorce situation lends itself to breakdowns of the parent/child relationship because one parent is in another household and can’t observe and head-off small problems that can grow into big ones, or big problems that can become insurmountable.

What do we do about this situation? I am not sure, on a global basis; and as an attorney, part of this situation is simply beyond my expertise. We bring in mental health counselors, religious or spiritual advisors, and others to assist in any given situation. In the final analysis, my job is to advocate for my client, whomever I represent. I often represent the father; but sometimes the mother; and I also do guardian ad litem work representing the child. So, I have seen this problem from all sides. There are no easy answers.

Divorce can be easy, it can be hard. The degree of difficulty of co-parenting outside of a “together” relationship depends on many circumstances. Most of these circumstances are controlled by the adults; children have very little power. We all know that what children want is to be loved. As lawyers, as judges, as parents, as adults — we must keep their helplessness and the simple desires that they have at the forefront of our decision-making.

News flash: Threatening to call the police when a nearly grown child goes to the other parent’s house due to conflict with you, the ‘custodial parent’, is not a good parenting technique.

Don’t get me wrong. There are times when a ‘custodial parent’ may, and should, legitimately call for law enforcement assistance. Unwarranted and/or unreasonable refusal to return the children at the end of parenting time is often a legitimate basis for seeking assistance of the police. But when a 16 year old, with her own car and a job, goes a day early to Dad’s house due to rampant and ongoing discord with Mom, Mom should think five or six times before carrying out a shrilly voiced threat to call the police.

What part of “joint legal and joint physical custody” do some people not understand? This means that the parents are co-captains in charting the course of their children’s navigation. It does not mean the person who has more overnights or whose residence is “the principal residence for purpose of mailing and education” makes all the decisions — quite the opposite. What is it about divorce that makes some people turn rabid? I have yet to understand this.

Admittedly, there are two or three or more sides to every story. In the case I am addressing, Mom agreed that daughter could go live with Dad due to discord between Mom and Daughter — until Mom realized that Dad’s child support would decrease, then Mom, in writing to Dad, said she couldn’t afford the switch. Daughter, who had already packed, took umbrage. And this is one in a series of such vacillations by Mom regarding one or the other of the children.

Daughter, upset and anxious, arrives at Dad’s a day early for scheduled weekend parenting time. Dad perceives daughter to be feeling ill, upset and anxious and calls Daughter’s school and says Daughter will need to take a sick day. Mom calls, threatening Sheriff, saying Dad has no right to call Daughter in sick.

What the heck is Mom thinking???

You parents out there — Moms and Dads, custodial and ‘noncustodial’, joint custodians, everyone: Parent with your head and the good side of your heart. Drop control as a governing principle, and think about the child for once, not yourself.

Give us divorce lawyers a weekend off. Save your money for the kids’ college fund.

He sat like so many other potential clients, bright eyes, anxiety clear by the set of his mouth, hands tight on the arms of his chair. He wanted to retain my services to help him get parenting rights to his child. He looked to me with something so close to hope that it might as well have been.

I took his case, as I often do, because I believe in the virtue of fatherhood. He has as good a chance of being a good father as anyone — better than some, worse than others. With some schooling, he can be a great father.

What does that mean, in the context of family law? It means — fathers are not babysitters; don’t insist that your parenting time revolve around your days off of work. The mother’s time will not necessarily do so. My time with my son is 24/7/365, work or not, sick or not, well or not, happy or not. It means — get to know your child’s school. Meet the teachers, meet with the principal, follow the grades, help with homework. Don’t depend on Mom to send you information, and don’t shrug your shoulders and abdicate your responsibilities when she doesn’t. You don’t send HER information; yet she figures out how to get it.

Being a father also means forgiving the mother for not being the woman you thought she would be. Accept that this child is more important than your failed relationship with the mother; and move into your role as father by structuring your life in a way that allows for your role as parent. Again, the mother has to do this too — it is a duty you both assumed when you became parents.

Which point brings me to another matter: Yes, I know, you did not necessarily volunteer for this duty. Maybe she told you she was using birth control pills; maybe she told you that she couldn’t conceive. Maybe she didn’t tell you she was pregnant. Okay, let’s have a few minutes of violin music for the reluctant father, and then accept the fact that whatever the circumstances, you are now a father. Think about this: Maybe she WAS on the pill; maybe she didn’t think she could get pregnant; maybe she meant to have an abortion and then just could not go through with it. In short, maybe she is as stunned as you are. Maybe she didn’t want to be a mother; but now you are both parents.

I assume that any man sitting in my office is there because he IS a father and has accepted that. One wouldn’t hire a Father’s Rights promoter if one was NOT interested in being a father. Those people slink away; hire some lawyer that promises to minimize their child support; or vanish into the fabric of society without a forwarding address.

The guys that want to Do the Dad Thing make my day. And to them, and to any of you out there who are on the fence, I say, the Dad thing is like the Mom thing, only with a different point of view. You can do everything that a Mom can do except breast-feed, you know; you can wipe noses, and kiss boo-boos, and clap for tender performances at painfully cute recitals. You can do it; and your doing the dad thing will give that child something that no one else can provide — fatherly love. So get out there and do it — both you and your child will be glad you did.